[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
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Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Me: I really need to save money
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