the three best gummy flavors, together at last
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The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
me: my friends:
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
never forget
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year