“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.