(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
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This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Don’t we all.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.