20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders