I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Europe. Made in Germany.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me too, bag. Me too….
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils