I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
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They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Only short people can save us
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried