For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
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The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
My birth announcement for our third baby
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.