You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
You Might Also Like
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
(by @ZachWeiner )
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.