me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
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CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Mornin
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.