I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
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I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
LA today:
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
🔦🌙👣
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Just had my nails done!
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”