Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
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One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I’d use my best pan on you.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.