Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
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Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
girls literally only want one thing..
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.