Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
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Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Money is the root of all wealth
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air