If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
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My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.