Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
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“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
getting old is fun
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
absolutely not
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?