Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
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Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher