[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
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A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
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I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
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Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
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007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
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If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.