Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
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There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please