Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
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I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.