If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
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Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Anyone want a chair?
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
who will stop them
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.