It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
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Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
the best thing i’ve ever made
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it