we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
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Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.