detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Lmfao
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*