WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
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Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Every damn time
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive