FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
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ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Yep.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..