ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
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When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.