i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
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wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
yeah no that’s fair
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera