I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
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i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Same post same
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.