Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
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My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Good news
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is