I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
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Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
2022: I can fix it
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
And bowling should be called pinball
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Did my cat write this
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.