As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
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[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.