I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
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I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Any refunds available?…
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.