my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
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BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!