If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Oh yeah that’s it
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
did it work
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues