Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
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I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
how high up are we talkin’?
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…