“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.