You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
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Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
the worm is coming from inside the brain
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
What
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago