me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
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North and South
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone