Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
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[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..