*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
You Might Also Like
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
What is going on? 😅
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”