Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
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Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
So that’s what we looked like?