*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
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[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
our love story in four pictures
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
See..?
.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”