Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
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Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Previously On Persistence 😎
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work