“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
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Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them