People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
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the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I’m good, thanks.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
This tweet has been deleted
guys i’ve cracked the code
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
termite twitter scares me
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck