Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
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[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
#merica
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.