If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
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Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.