I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
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after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Netflix and scream at our children?!
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
#Caturday
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.