friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship